So today I have a spa day planned with my BFF.
We have a half day of luxurious champagne, massages, facials, manicures and just general indulgence – and obviously I can’t wait!
But the potential for pleasure will be marred, as it always is, by my bastard brain, which craves discomfort.
Now I will share some concerns I have about Spa days.
1. What am I supposed to wear?
I get it, they give you a robe. I wear the robe. What do I wear under the robe, though? Do I go commando?
Do I bring an extra swimsuit (I’ll be using one by the pool & in the sauna) or wear regular underwear?
Do I go completely lounge-act and wear PJ bottoms?
This tension is carried forwards to the “getting on the table” section.
They say, when you’re having a back massage, “you can either wear this top, or your bra. Whichever is most comfortable”, handing you a boob-hairnet.
I would be a whole lot more comfortable if you would just tell me what is the etiquette.
2. Can I sneeze while the therapist is plucking my eyebrows?
Because my body wants me to sneeze directly in her face.
3. How much “harder” can I ask for my massage before I become a pervert?
I like my massages firm. Borderline painful. That’s just how I like them, but I always accept an overly gentle massage for fear of being considered some sort of desperate sex pest.
Is this normal?
4. Do I have to ask for water, or can I have a coffee?
These hollistic types always drink unicorn tears infused with boysenberry joy, and I can’t be bothered with that.
Give me a piping hot coffee with enough caffeine to make a horse’s eye twitch.
Yet, at the spa, I ask for water. Always.
Then, with disgust, I drink the water, wishing for a coffee.
Can I just ask for a coffee?
Will coffee breath be acceptable when you’re asking me, whilst facial-ing me, if I’m going away?
Which brings me to my final concern.
5. If I tell you where I’m going on holiday, and my holiday is better than yours, will you think I’m showing off?
I always worry about this.
At the hairdresser too.
When they announce that their caravan break in Skegness is the reason they’re having a Brazilian later, I always feel immense tragedy at just having admitted I’m hitting China for a short break, and that we just go to Memphis on a whim.
That’s about it.
If anyone can offer me any support for my concerns… it will be gratefully received.